I’m lame and lazy so I copied and pasted this from my facebook to share here. I’m going to collect these events in one spot. I do connect with a lot of people through FB, but don’t care to bother them with these kind of posts.
I’ve never done a trigger warning kind of personal post but don’t read this if you get queasy about blood or are sensitive to infant loss or miscarriage. I don’t know why I feel compelled to type it out exactly. Maybe to process the emotions, or to read it when I forget to be grateful for our lives, or to allow others to feel comfortable with sharing similar stories. It’s definitely not to scare anyone, I just feel the need to get it out.
One year ago today began the roller coaster of the scariest times of our parenting lives thus far (hopefully ever!) I’ll spare really graphic details, but I will never forget my heart stopping when I realized I was passing a ton of blood at barely 19 weeks pregnant.
I’d been off work, it was a normal Monday with Mia. Just us two soaking up some one-on-one time. I was in the kitchen about to cook dinner when I sneezed really hard and thought “damn it, I peed.” before making my way to the bathroom.
NOPE, not pee.
You know in movies when a bomb goes off, the actor temporarily can’t hear, can’t comprehend what’s going on, just gazes off at a horrible scene surrounding him/her, not sure what to do? That was my reality for about 5 seconds that felt like hours.
“Mommy are you okay?” Mia snapped me out of it and into savior mode. She, like most 3 year olds, possessed 0 reservations about barging into the bathroom and had witnessed my realization.
I immediately said “yeah, I’m okay, okay, the baby’s okay, I need to call the doctor though and dad, just stay right there, no go get my phone so I can call. In the kitchen..” I felt another gush.
Mia’s eyes started welling up “mom I don’t think you’re okay mom.” She had a vague understanding of how the female body works and knew that this wasn’t supposed to happen when you have a baby in there.
So I calmly found my phone, called the doctor, called Chris who had stopped at the store on the way home “can you get home like right now? we need to go the ER” I could feel his heart stop too when I told him why. I felt another gush.
“Is my baby dying? Am I going to die? NO, Mind don’t go down that thought path.”
I spent 10 minutes which felt like more hours getting a bag ready and keeping Mia as calm as I could. Whenever a crisis happens or I’m stressed or in a scary situation I’m always the one calming other people down. I was almost grateful that I had Mia there to comfort. “It’ll be okay, we are going to the doctor and they will check everything out, and we will be all okay.”
Chris FINALLY made it home (actually it was in record time given it was rush hour) and despite all the calming talk and energy I’d been dishing out just moments before I immediately felt myself crumble when I saw him. I’ll never forget that feeling either. I just started sobbing in his arms.
“I don’t know what I did or what to do.”
“Babe, we are going to get into the car and go straight to the ER and it will be okay.” He was holding me up in the kitchen with his big, warm arms. I felt comfort in the way Mia must have when I was telling her the same words.. a feeling I hadn’t felt since I was a kid too.
I’ve always been pretty tough emotionally, hardly ever cried except maybe twice a year, but this was the first profound moment that I allowed myself to really depend on Chris for emotional strength. He’s so great. He let me melt down for a moment then built me back up enough to make it to the car for our ride to the hospital.
I’ll type the rest another day, so I guess this is part 1? Kids need attention lol this picture was taken at the Tea with Mommy party a few weeks before this all went down. Mia and mommy having fun like always.